When you open up to allow yourself to feel the good things that come from within, you become vulnerable, so vulnerable to any fears and shocks…. but there’s no one way about it. So I am taking it all in at the moment. What I am feeling it’s just too beautiful… and I have tried to repress it for so long, that I started hurting myself in the process of protecting myself. Ironic, isn’t? I’d say so.
I have a G. spot. But it’s not what you think. My G. spot is a “he”. And he’s my vulnerable spot that can make me fly of happiness or lose myself in sorrow. And this is not by direct actions, just by existing in my life and how his existence impacts on me.
He is not the cause of my currently-living-but-uncertain-of-when-it-will-pass crisis. He came so unexpectedly into my life. And I had no idea nor any plan as to what this could mean. I just took each day as it came, without analyzing the why, the how or anything else. He turned out to be an incredible person, a rare gem, a wonderful soul, not the type of person one meets every day. He definitely belongs to the group of people that came into my life, left footprints in my heart, after which I can never be the same. This is inspired fromEleanor Roosevelt poem.
So if he’s not the cause of my crisis, what is he then? As I wrote in my previous entry, other things are the cause of my crisis. He, G., is an escape to happiness from all the darkness and unwholesomeness I was feeling (and still feel to a certain extent) for so long.
So today I am going to write exactly about what I feel: love & fears.
I’ve known him for 5 months and 4 days. I never expected, thought or even realized I was starting to get attached to him. That he was slowly getting under my skin, against my will/wish and I suppose against his will/wish as well. Cause he didn’t do anything to pursue that. It just happened. When I realized I had grown attached to him, I freaked out. I did NOT understand how this could have happened. I could I have not seen it happening? I still don’t know. After the freak-out phase passed, I got pissed off with myself. I was very adamant that I don’t want to get attached to anyone at this point in my life. And now that I got the surprise that it happened, I have to deal with it. And this is hurting me…. this will hurt me because I cannot be with the people I am attached to. Life is taking me and them on totally different directions and paths, away from each other.
But who has control over life? Fully? Noone. After the pissed-off-with-myself phase passed, I tried to repress whatever I was feeling. Yeah, right… like that did any good to me. Well, it didn’t. It turned against me, hurting only myself and uselessly too. And, οπως λεει και μια διαφιμηση στο Εν λευκώ, αν δεν μπορεις να κανεις τιποτα, απολαυσε το! This is what I am trying to do at this moment. I realized that no matter how I try to approach this, it won’t go away. So I might as well enjoy it as it is, as long as I can have it, and deal with losing him when the moment comes. And here I remember what a dear older person always tells me: Don’t trouble yourself until trouble troubles you.
I think of him, so often that I lost count how much I do it. I am not stopping myself from doing it though. Just thinking of him, puts a smile on my face. Just knowing that he offered me so many incredible and unique and true moments brings a huge wave of love in the forefront of my heart. Just remembering how I feel when he is near me… I get the shivers and I close my eyes and I feel his arms around me, his kiss on my neck. The touch and feel of his amazingly tender lips and the wonderful spark in his eyes. He is by no means perfect, not even close. And I am by no means an angel, nor perfect either. But what I feel comes from within, flooding, and I can’t stop it. I don’t want to stop it either. I am submitting myself to it, not entirely, but much more than before.
I have only told him that I have grown attached to him. And that I wished I hadn’t. He said that I am lucky to have become attached to him and not another guy. Cause someone else could’ve well been in his place. But his (G’s) intentions are not to hurt me, or make a fool of me or of my feelings. He didn’t say how he feels about me. I don’t think he clearly knows either. What I do know though is that what I feel for him has nothing to do with what he feels/doesn’t feel for me. It only has to do with the fact that he exists, that he stepped into my life and that he left the footprints that he has in my heart. And that all this happened without premeditation. Although I know it will hurt, and usually the pain is directly proportional to the intensity of the feelings, I feel I am truly blessed to have met him, for all the things I lived, experienced, shared with and felt with him. I don’t know the reason why this whole thing happened. I don’t even wonder. I do not know what the future holds for us. Mostly nothing for “us”; I know though that he is one person I will always feel connected to, even if we won’t speak for months or years. Besides the connection I feel, he will always have a special place in my heart, that I treasure too much to evacuate and take him out of there. I get teary eyes as I write this. It’s my shell cracking….
In the beginning, when he was leaving, he would not even wake me up. He would just get up & out of bed, get dressed, and out of the house. And I wouldn’t hear from him for days. There was no reason to either. As time passed by, he would either kiss me on my hip & leave, or kiss me on my neck & leave, or we’d have a coffee together and hug me before leaving, but he would never hold me in his sleep. Never. We barely touched during sleep, and I didn’t touch him either, cause I thought he doesn’t like it & might see it as nuisance. I love cuddling (what girl doesn’t?). But I can live without it if it doesn’t come naturally to the other person. And I don’t hold it against the other person. So I was surprised to see that he gradually started holding me in his arms when we were sleeping. Then after a while, he started kissing me on my back, on my head, on my cheek, on my lips, and hold me tight, but this would usually happen while falling asleep and I would always discover we were far away from each other when we were waking up. Then, five weeks ago, when he returned from the holidays, he came to see me twice in three days. He was so tender and cute. And the last night before leaving the city, he held me tight, for the whole 3 hours of sleep we had. He didn’t say a word though.
Last weekend, he came back into town … after a little over three weeks of being out of town. We had almost no contact during the time that he was away. And even though I knew there might be other reasons that were keeping him from contacting me, I assumed he needed his space, his time away and alone, that he was using this to slowly withdraw himself from my life… so slowly slip away.
Not having the escapes that he was for me, I started sinking even lower into the darkness. Its veil started weighing more and more on me. I let it pull me down. I had no power, no reason and no will to fight it. But I knew he is out there. I knew he was not happy, but I knew he has to stay away, both physically and without contact. Why? Because sometimes we just have to go through certain things that life throws at us. If we escape those things, then it’s like we cheat, and that will eventually find a way to catch up with us, sooner or later. So I didn’t fight the darkness that was overwhelming me. I just knew that something had got to give. And it did, three days later.
As soon as he got back in town, G. contacted me. But I didn’t get his offline messages. So the same evening, he calls me and I am caught off guard. I had managed to think of him so much less, without dimishing what I feel though. But thinking less of him, yet not repressing my memories or thoughts, just made it all more bearable for me. I am no actor, but still, I tried to play it cool. No need to drown anyone in my own sea of feelings or endless darkness. I don’t know how much he bought it. I was in doubt whether I wanted to see him or not. After contemplating it throughout the evening into midnight, I decided to see him. So he came over. The last time I saw him he looked awesome. But this time, he looked gorgeous. I couldn’t even react, I was shuffled. We made love. He told me he had missed me (he meant that in a physical way). While making love I realized just how much I had missed him too, but would not admit it to anyone.
We fell asleep. He held me close, not tight, but he snorred like a bear and had multiple cough crises. I was having a hard time falling asleep. Both because of my mixed up inner state and his snoring. I was not a happy girl, but I was sure beyond tiredness. I was coming down with a cold too. Morning comes, he goes his way, I go to work. Night time comes, I leave work late. I catch only one bus before midnight. I decide to walk home for the rest of the trip (~ 6km). It started raining. But I was wearing comfortable shoes. Even though I was sneezing, and my nose was stuffed, I walked for over an hour. I was moderately soaked by the time I get home. I get home and just collapse on my chair, mindlessly surfing the net on my laptop. 3 am comes, I’m still in the chair, looking like a homeless person and feeling as one too. Still shuffled by the fact that I was the first thing he saught when he came back. This is NOT like him, or like the G. I knew before. I decide to let it go as a random thing. But what do you know? Who texts me at 3:30 am? G. He was coming home from a wedding and wondered how I was. I told him I was too tired to sleep, but that I needed to (he didn’t know I barely slept the previous night, but I knew!). He calls (no text) me right back and asks me if I’d like some company, and I am hesitant. I was never hesitant when he asked me this kind of things ever before. I told him I don’t know. He doesn’t push me. He tells me he’ll call me when he gets home, and if I feel up to it, then he’ll come over, otherwise, I shouldn’t worry or sweat about it.
I was surprised by my own hesitation. I text him half an hour later telling him that I do want to see him but that I am not as rested as I wish I were. He replies right away that I should not worry about it. He’ll come, and we’ll just lay in bed and sleep. No need to worry about my tiredness. I agreed. He came over quite quickly. We talked briefly and then laid on the bed to sleep. He pulled me close, I was feeling cold, he warmed my body, he carressed me, started to kiss me slowly, waking up my senses in a sweet, slow way… I can’t find the right words to describe how that felt. It didn’t feel it was coming from the body, it just felt it was coming from the heart. It had a strong feeling to it, my interpretation of which is that it was carrying the heart’s desires and not the body’s. Before we even started making love, I felt so relaxed, I no more felt tired, cold, sleepy or ill. I was with him, in way that hadn’t felt like that before. We fell asleep in each other’s arms. We were spooning all night. I woke up so rested, so light, so refreshed. I had slept heavenly. He didn’t snore at all nor cough all night. I took a bath, got dressed, and woke him up with a kiss on his cheek. He woke up without a headache! He gets strong headaches very often, and I was starting to feel bad that he woke up with such headaches after spending the night over. It was a good day start. I took a taxi to work. Night comes in, I leave work.
So that evening, something gave in. I had the opportunity to see a person that is very dear to me and that I respect very much. Talking with this person (as I mentioned in my previous entry) made me see some sort of light through the most dense darkness I’ve ever been. I could not believe it, but I knew something gave in. It was just the beginning.
I still have trouble sleeping when I am alone. I fall asleep anywhere between 3:30 am – 7 am. The next day came, and I woke up feeling good. I started working on some things that I kept postponing and got them done.
He uploaded two photos on his page. He has never done that. The one is with him, the first weekend since he first left, and the other one is with a girl (I wrote about her previously) and is labelled with daughter. Seeing them I got mixed emotions. He looked so great that it is impossible for someone to look as good as he does in the conditions there. I was so drawn to the photo where he’s alone. Photos and certainly photos with people in them speak to me more than maybe to other people. His face and body posture spoke so much of “him” to me. They say an image equals to 1000 words. In certain cases that is true. In this case, it was true. And the other one, with the girl, made me feel both happy that he wasn’t alone, but jealous too that I couldn’t be there too. The day those pics were taken was the last time he contacted me before returning back to the city. I told him that I saw the pics and that he looked great. He asked me if I had seen any other pics of him (implying in his friends’ albums) and I said yes, I saw a few. This week I understood why he was out of contact since then. They had confiscated his phone.
I saw G. again three days later. In spite of the insomnia, cold and having recently ended “that time of the month”, I felt rested. And I felt it. I dressed up quite nicely and he could not take his eyes off me. It was entirely different from the “me” he saw last time. Passion lit up and the rest is history. Suffice to say he kept one clothing item as a souvenir. Sleeping tight in each other’s arms, not letting any distance come between us, spooning. We woke up rather early and had a coffee in the kitchen. The coffee took over two hours. We would not stop talking to each other. At 12:30 he decides to live and run the errands he has to. We kiss. I put myself to work. It was a good day too.
The weekend came and I started my usual weekend job. I was supposed to meet him after work, but it didn’t happen. I had a laid back evening and the regular insomnia. I wake up at 11 when my phone rings. I was lost for a second, but then I realize it’s the weekend and I am late for work. I am never late for work. I don’t panick, but I get out of the house and to work as fast as I could. Traffic made my taxi ride 45 minutes long. But still, it was an ok day.
Saturday evening comes. I feel the need to be alone. I was alone anyway, but this time, I felt it too. I fall alseep around 5 am. Wake up startled by my phone at 7:30 am. It was G. I need a second to realize that I need to answer and not just look at the phone. My battery drops just as I pick up. I plug the charger in, and call him right back, in the same time looking out the window and seeing another motorcycle parked outside my window, but not realizing it’s his. He asks me where am I, I tell him I am at home, and he says: “well let me in then.” He had been out, drinking. I let him in, he tells me to get in bed and that he’ll join me soon. He undresses, asks for a bandaid, and then lays next to me. He falls asleep in no time. I do too. We don’t talk. I see the bandaid on his hand. I wake up on time to go to work, shower, get dressed. I try to wake him up, but no luck. I had to leave though, or I would have been late, and can’t have that twice two days in a row. I am struck by the idea of letting him sleep over, and leaving the keys in the door lock for him to close when he leaves. I take a spare pair of keys (they were in an old untouched for a year box) and leave. He calls me in the afternoon (~4pm). He asked me what to do. I told him to do whatever he wants, and that he could return the keys either by dropping them at work or by meeting me after work.
At 10:30pm he texts asking me in the most sweet way if I have any keys to get in and when will I get home. I manage to reply only an hour later, I tell him I have keys. He was catching up on some work he had to do before he left again today. He told me he will come to give me a hug before leaving.
He came at 3 am. It was the fastest drive from his house to mine he’s ever made. He came in and told me about the previous night. He was out with his brother and some friends, drinking. He walked home and didn’t want to sleep there. So he drove as quickly as he could to my place. He’s never done that before. I do not understand why he felt the need to come over that morning. I’m not trying to understand either. I am not gloating inside myself over the fact that he chose to come to me. I just know it’s good. Given that it was our last few hours together, I tried a little game (role playing) that he absolutely loved. And it just bounced back at me, in that seeing him loving it, it made me even more keen to play the game and it was just incredible. I’ll just say one thing: it was the best time ever. We’ve made love many times, but last night it was all so new and nothing like before. It was great on more levels than one.
And even though we had only 2 hours to sleep before he had to leave (the city, again), he would not let me out of his arms, kissing me at every move, touching me from head to toes with his body. The first alarm went off at 7am. He told me to reset it for 8 am. I cuddled even deeper in his arms from 7 to 8 am. His breath was so light, no snorring, no caughing. He left at 8:30. I don’t know when I will see him again. A few days he tells me.
It didn’t feel like my heart was wrenched out of my chest when he left. I was calm, serene, there was even a smile on my face.
There is something I feel, that I am trying to understand what it is exactly. I can’t even put it into words. Do you know that feeling that when you look into someone’s eyes, they just speak to you, even though no word is said nor need to say one? Add to that the feeling when someone holds you, tight enough to tell you things, but not as tight as to make you ask why. Then add to that kisses that were never given before nor asked for.
Since he left this morning, I felt light, I felt serene, I felt loved. In one word, I felt happy. I think that is what I am feeling. He has not said a word but he didn’t need to. He hasn’t made any promises of any sort, but he doesn’t need to either. He hasn’t made any plan for any future. He does not need to. I feel happy now, without words, without promises, without plans. Just because he is, and for what he makes me feel when I am with him. For not wishing or asking I was different. I don’t know what will happen in the future. But I know what I feel know, and that is enough for me, right now. I don’t even feel the need to tell him anything, because he knows. I know he knows without having to ask him about it or tell him anything in words. And he knows that I know and that I don’t need to ask him and that he doesn’t need to say anything.
There is more that I need to write about. Fears.
And I think of you – Tanita Tikaran (Lyrics)
Night is falling
I think of you
I’m walking home
I think of you
And as he calls
me, yes I do
I think of you
How you doing?
I think of you
As we leave
I think of you
And I smile, I can’t hide
I think of you
I think of you
I’m walking home
I think of you
And as he calls
me, yes I do
I think of you
How you doing?
I think of you
As we leave
I think of you
And I smile, I can’t hide
I think of you
I don’t know
where your days
are spent
Your lovers and
you friends
But I know for sure
Of who you have
been thinking
Far beyond the
city’s lights
Are two who dream a life
Forgive them if
they never find
their freedom
Their freedom
It’s so late
I think of you
He walks me home
I think of you
I’m so sorry, I’m so tired
I think of you
And in the shadows
I think of you
I close my eyes
I think of you
Now I’m falling
I think of you
I think of you
As he calls my
name, yes I do
I think of you
I think of you
I think of you
I think of you
I think of you
And in feeling
I think of you
And in breathing
I think of you
And in seeing
I think of you
And in living
I think of you
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